Recession Rap by The Nerd MC's

I said Wham Bam , here comes Sham
He’s a denim clad Adonis and he don’t give a damn.
(Say what?)
He’s out on the town, gonna disco down
Shake it up, shake it down like a party clown.
He’s J. to the O. to the K. H. I.
Add a Y.A. if you can,
You get the Joker man.
He’s the master of mirth with the disastrous girth.
Hey step back Jokerman,
Next up’s Dan.

Well I’m Hip Hop Dan and I’m a tiny little man,
I’m a twister and a Turner and my own biggest fan.
I said Hotel Motel, which way should I swing?
(Say what?)
Well I’m a headed for the top and I ain’t never gonna stop
Until I get there and shout Yo!
(I said yo-oh
Yo-oh,
I said Yo-oh
Yo-oh)
I’m desperate Dan and I’m a ladies man
So don’t you diss my ho
‘Cause I’m a mad, bad geezer,
Got a body in the freezer
I was killed by a malteser but I’m back.
If you catch me in the noddy
I’ve an illustrated body
and some downy fluff around my crack.

Hey, my name is Ed, and I’m a devil in the bed
And you know that I don’t fire no blanks.
Since I learned about women, when my tads go swimmin’
They don’t do it in no Sherman Tanks.
Got a touch of halitosis and a lot of neurosis
But the girls are always hot for me
I’m a considerate lover, consider no other
‘cause I’m guaranteed to find the G.
I said G spot, Tea shop, which one will it be?
I can send you into spasms with terrific orgasms
Or I can take you for a cup of tea.

We’re the Nerd MC’s
You be down on your knees
When you catch sight of our big TV’s
We got PS3’s
And Nintendo Wii’s
And vast collections of DVD’s
But we never got girlfriends ‘til our thi-hir-tee’s
(Say what?)
No we never got girlfriends ‘til our thi-hir-tee’s.

We’re fat cat bankers on the prowl,
Come on all you ladies and hear us growl (grrr)
Since the Credit Crunch
We’re the new Wild Bunch.
We’re mad, we’re bad, we’re gonna blow
We’re totally rad and we’re dangerous to know.
The economy’s screwed, so we’re real cool dudes
And women can’t resist our attitude.
So Hip Hop Hap to the recession rap
We ain’t never had it so good,
Tip Top Tap, it’s all gone to crap
But that fine in the Banking hood.
‘Cause we’re bad Mo Fo’s and we’re gonna foreclose
Gonna call in all our loans,
We might be sub Prime, but it’s party time
‘Cause we’ve just discovered girls.

Courgettes

I've eaten boar and I've eaten bear,
I've dined on amphibians legs.
I've eaten pork scratchings that still had their hair,
I've even tried hundred year eggs.

I've consumed uni sushi, that's just orange slime,
(some say it's the best you can get).
But the thing that will make me throw up every time
Is if you tried to feed me Courgette.

No don't ever feed me courgette,
It's something you're sure to regret,
Those tiny green cukes
just give me the pukes.
No don't ever feed me courgette.

I've drunk camel's milk and sipped on mouse wine
and even American beer.
I visited Finland around Christmas time
And ate one of Santa's reindeer.

I've eaten, in temples, the offerings burnt
As appeasement to Baal or to Moloch,
And at Korean barbies, where later I learnt
That the meatballs were just the dog's bollocks.

But if you ever give me courgettes,
You will think I've contracted Turrette's.
I come over all spleeny when I see zuchinni.
No don't ever give me courgettes.

Proper British Food

Oh Mr Hale
You look so pale,
A little nauseous too,
You never should have et that snail,
I think you're going to spew.

You are a Brit, be proud of it
Don't touch that foreign muck
Don't even try it
Restrict your diet
To good old British tuck.

That foreign stuff may
make you rough
And even give you gas
An Englishman
Should be a fan
Of lager and Madras.

Reflections on an ultimatum from the wife

Hand me a bottle of Fosters,
I need to think for a bit.
I got pissed again yesterday evening
And Catherine says I'm a git

She's give me an ultimatum
To do with my conduct of life.
I cannot have beers when I want them
If I'm to have her for my wife

Catherine is fresh faced and lovely
(though feminine beauty must pass,
And even the fairest of women
Looks more fair through the end of a glass).

And a crowd of Miss Universe hopefuls,
Their beautiful eyes all aglow,
Can never be quite as alluring,
As bottles of Beck's in a row

If I should be parted from Catherine
I dread what our families would say.
Yet when I reach the end of a six pack
I just throw all the empties away

And many another six pack
Will sit in the cooler and wait.
And it won't warn me off other six packs
Or bollock me 'cause I'm home late.

Yes, if ever I parted from Catherine
I'd do so with many a tear,
But Catherine's only a woman,
And a Stella's a bird and a beer.

It's tough making such a decision,
I need to take time, time to think,
So I'm just popping down to the boozer
To work it out over a drink