If (with apologies to Rudyard Kipling)

If you can turn a profit when the others
are losing their's and don't know what to do.
If you won't hesitate to sell your mother,
and maybe to throw in your sister too.

If you can drink all night and not get plastered
or dine with customers that you just hate,
and not let on that they're all total bastards
('til after you have screwed them on the rate).

If you can meet with brokers or with vendors
and tell them that they'll make a pile of loot,
when all the time you've only one agenda,
to make them pay for drugs and prostitutes.

If you cock up by going long on Cable,
when everyone says Sterling's going to fail,
and know that you are going to be able
to blame it on IT if you should bail.

If you can whinge when you receive a bonus
that buys you an apartment in the Cays,
complaining over Bolly with your cronies
that Labour's brought the country to its knees.

If you find words a bit too complicated,
if you communicate in grunting sounds,
if you think evolution's over rated
and when you walk your knuckles scrape the ground.

If you spend all the time you should be working
surfing the web or talking about sex,
if you could teach a MasterClass in shirking
the chances are that you trade Spot FX

The IT Magnate's song

When I was a lad I had no pals
And my fear of girls was simply pathological
I sat at home feeling quite forlorn
And I polished up my knob while watching Cyberporn
(Yes he polished up his knob while watching Cyberporn)
I polished that knob assiduously
And soon became an expert in Adult IT
(Yes he polished that knob assiduously,
And soon became an expert in Adult IT)

I reached the age where I had to work
And gained employment as an office clerk.
I filed and labelled the important docs
And I stuffed a lot of letters in the letter box.
(Yes he stuffed a lot of letters in the letter box)
I stuffed that box so frequently
That my head got stuffed with ideas for Adult IT
(yes he stuffed that box so frequently
That his head got stuffed with ideas for adult IT)

So I started in the business of sending out spam
From adverts for Viagra to Nigerian scams
I handled the spread of dodgy of Malware blockers
And girls who want to meet you (with amazing knockers)
(Girls who want to meet you, with amazing knockers)
I handled those knockers so skilfully
That I soon became successful in Adult IT
(Yes, he handled those knockers so skilfully
That he soon became successful in Adult IT)

Of Global distribution I became a master,
However fast you sent it, I would send it faster,
I’d broaden bands and I‘d cut down hits
And manipulate the status of the parity bits
(He’d manipulate the status of the parity bits)
I handled my bits so adeptly
That I became the Global leader in Adult IT
(He handled his bits so adeptly
That he became the Global leader in Adult IT)

I thought myself smart, and so astute,
But now it seems I’m nothing but a prostitute.
For my latency skills have opened a door,
And, passing through, I turned into a corporate whore
(Yes, passing through he turned into a corporate whore)
For all of my principles abandoned me
And I took a position in FX IT
(Oh he’s as evil as he can be,
For he took a position in FX IT)

Come all you dabblers in CyberPorn
And stay in the profession for which you were born
Focus all your skills on harmless wankers
And never get involved with the investment bankers
(No, never get involved with the investment bankers)
You’ll be as happy as a man can be
In the noble, upright calling of Adult IT
(Yes, you’ll be as happy as a man can be
In the noble, upright calling of Adult IT)