The Actors and the Guardsmen

There's an office of convenience
in a well known London park
where Thespians and Guardsmen
sometimes meet up after dark.
The soldiers are quite charming
and the Actors lose their hearts,
which makes them feel much better
if they only have small parts.

Small parts, small parts, small parts, small parts.
Oh the Actors feel much better if they only have small parts.

A jolly time is had by all
and many a likely lad
may waltz off with an Actor
old enough to be his dad.
Some nights there's entertainment
from the regimental band,
some with big drums on their chests
and some with piccolos in hand.

In hand, in hand, in hand, in hand
Oh you can't resist a Guardsman with his piccolo in hand

The dancing is a sight to see,
it goes on through the night.
But as it gets to morning
and the Eastern sky grows bright,
Actors need their beauty sleep,
for Guardsmen duty calls.
But everyone is happy,
for they love their summer balls.

Their balls, their balls, their balls, their balls.
Oh the actors and the guardsmen have a great time at their balls.

When a Guard is on parade,
why there's no finer sight than that,
with brightly polished weapon
and a great big furry hat.
But if you meet a guard
don't ever ask him where he's been,
for he's not allowed to tell you
that he's stood before a queen.

A queen, a queen, a queen, a queen.
Oh a Guardsmean won't admit he's stood erect before a queen.

The Guardsmen, in their training
as a military force,
climb ropes and nets and walls
out on the army assault course.
Sometimes the Actors try it,
and it's really quite a hoot
to see the old chaps struggle
up the Guardsmen's slippery chute.

Their chute, their chute, their chute, their chute.
Oh the Guardsmen really love to get the old boys up their chute.

Now the Guards are very fit
(they have to march so awfully fast
and, when they're on manouevers,
have the stamina to last).
But however far they go,
and even if they get a step on,
they're always very sure
to keep a firm hand on their weapon.

Their weapon, their weapon, their weapon, their weapon
Oh you'll often see a soldier holding tightly to his weapon.

A Guardsman may grow old
and leave the service of the Queen.
And some may even tread the boards
and join the acting scene.
The Critics and the Press
wil give them honorable mention,
and later, in the park,
the young Guards stand up to attention.

Attention, attention, attention, attention.
Oh the old boys can still make the young Guards stand up to attention.